THEPRP News

Lamb Of God’s Randy Blythe Furthers His Presidential Campaign With “Grinch Economics” Platform


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Lamb Of God frontman Randy Blythe continues to forge ahead with his presidential campaign. An excerpt from his latest posting, which focuses on his “Grinch Economics” platform, can be found below. The full entry is available over at his Randonesia blog.

“My fellow Americans:

Our great nation is in the midst of an economic nightmare. We have seen the recession that exploded in 2008 through, but 2012 promises yet another, the magnitude of which is as of yet to be determined. Our national debt, as of this writing, is over 15 trillion dollars. That means if we divide up the National Public Debt among our citizens, then each citizen of the United States of America is approximately 49,000 dollars in debt, or in a more realistic estimate, each tax paying citizen is somewhere along the line of 135,000 dollars in debt.

Holy guacamole Batman, that’s A LOT of cheddar! And it’s steadily climbing. Don’t believe me? I suggest you take a quick peek at www.usdebtclock.org. Besides making your eyeballs hurt, you’ll get a real time update on our fiscal disaster. It’s here, it’s not pretty, and it ain’t just gonna go away.

President Obama has called for a balanced solution to our woes, but has yet to present any sort of viable battle strategy to get this escalating debt under control. Where is the tax reform? The congressional “super-commitee” had a deadline in November to come to SOME SORT of conclusion concerning our incredibly screwed up tax code, but what happened? They just threw up their soft, well-manicured bi-partisan hands and said “Fuck it!”

President Obama obviously doesn’t have the leadership qualities (i.e.- BALLS, which, might I remind you, I have an abundance of) necessary to get these childish assholes in line and have our country big pimpin’ again. How many times can the debt ceiling be raised until the Feddy Guv defaults? What will happen when China (the country we owe the most money to) wants their loot and they want it NOW?

One billion short dudes in Mao jackets will be in front of the Federal Reserve chanting “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn! BURN MOTHERFUCKER, BURN!!!”

The Republican candidate? When Mitt Romney (because let’s face it, it WILL be Romney on the GOP ticket- no one else has a chance) was recently asked how much money he had, he replied “It’s between $150 and about $200 some-odd million dollars, I think that’s what the estimates are.

“I THINK it’s between $150 and about $200 some-odd MILLION DOLLARS”?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The man is comfortable enough with his money to NOT KNOW about a FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR DIFFERENCE IN HIS BANK ACCOUNT? Is this the kind of man you think is going to give a shit about ANYONE other than his ultra-rich cronies? Money isn’t even REAL to guys like this. I have a fucking conniption fit over a three dollar ATM fee when I am overseas. Does a man like Mitt Romney even know HOW to use an ATM? Fuggedaboutit.

Never fear America, Uncle Randy is here. I have a plan to get us out of it, back on top, and fanning those Benjamins like JAY-Z in his latest million-dollar budget music video pimp-fest. It’s not going to be popular at first, but hey, neither were those ugly-ass Crocs thingys and now you got knock-offs from every country in Asia flodding the shelves of K-Marts across the land.

I regret to inform you all, but I’m going to have to cancel Christmas.

Yes, that’s right, when I take office, Christmas will no longer be a Federal holiday, at least until America is outta the red and back in black like AC/DC. On December 25th those with jobs will go to work. Those without jobs will get off their asses and go look for one. We don’t have time for all this holiday nonsense- our hustle is WEAK right now, America- IT’S TIME TO STEP IT UP.”

While the full posting can be found over at Randonesia, you can find perhaps my own favorite part below:

“After announcing my bid for POTUS, folks let me know that it had been picked up as a news item by a lot of the music (especially metal) related websites.

Finally! A REAL NEWS STORY, instead of bullshit like “In an astoundingly long and rambling display of profanity-laced pure INTERNET FURY, D. Randall Blythe has angrily tweeted that he doesn’t really care for the latest hot trend in heavy metal: plaid-print guitar picks! That long-winded egomaniacal self-righteous narcissist has lost his cool AND and his mind for sure this time!”

Yes, those music cyber-media moguls have finally gotten caught up to speed as to what constitutes an honest-to-God news-worthy story about your’s truly. As soon as my candidacy hit the metal cyber-grapevine, I got a TON of positive feedback in my Twitter feed along the lines of “I read on rippinassmetalbrotherhood.com that your running for the Presidency! You got my vote!” SO THANK YOU SO MUCH to all the websites out there spreading the word, the Chatterlips.net’s and and PCP.com’s and all the rest.

You are truly doing The Lord’s work. To my fans and supporters out there in heavy metal cyberspace (well, any that I have left after the whole “canceling Christmas” thing): Y’all are making this happen! We shall overcome! Kumbaya, Hallelujah, and pass the cheese grits and the hot sauce please!!!

But if things are running par for the course with ol’ D. Randall, I’m sure at least SOME readers of those sites are whining and complaining away about my Presidential campaign, wishing I would just shut up and make heavy metal records like I’m supposed to or go jump off a cliff or something.

And I’m sure this small but vocal minority of CVLT frumps express those feelings in their usual eloquent terms. To these people, my TINY group of critics (numbering, I’m sure, in the low teens), I now give a blanket response in language that even they can understand:

Your Mom.

To spit some ghetto wisdom your way: don’t hate the player, hate the game. It’s not my fault my grind is stronger than yours. It’s not my fault I’m more driven than you. It’s not my fault I’m smarter, funnier, and more successful than you (not to mention MUCH better looking. Because I damn sure am a PRETTY man).

It’s not my fault my undeniably super-model like visage is splashed all over the internet when ever I fart into my cell phone these days. It’s not my fault you are a willing, passive receptacle for an easily avoided experience.

When you see my name on a screen, JUST DON’T CLICK THE LINK. Or better yet, (gasp!) turn off your computer. Have a meaningful conversation about something of SUBSTANCE with someone, IN PERSON. Don’t worry, you can practice with your dog or your cat first. Act, don’t just REACT.

Do something. Do ANYTHING. Make some onion rings. Go outside. Take a walk. Start your own band. Start your own blog, don’t just lurk around on someone else’s website and whine like a little bitch. RUN FOR PRESIDENT YOUR OWN DAMN SELF. C’mon, you can do it! Run, Forrest, ruuuuunnnn….”

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