The Onion have certainly upped their game recently when it comes to metal satire. Below you can find an excerpt from their recently published piece titled ‘Metallica Board Of Directors Debates Whether New Riff Will Have Negative Impact On Shareholder Value’:
“LOS ANGELES—Weighing the pros and cons of the palm-muted low-E-string lick, Metallica’s 12-member board of directors reportedly debated Wednesday whether lead guitarist Kirk Hammet’s newest riff might negatively impact the band’s shareholder value. “Frankly, I don’t see any downside—when Kirk drops in after the intro with that feedback-heavy all-out assault on the lower register, it just melts your fucking face off,” said band CEO Don Herbst, rebutting the claim made by some of his colleagues that, given the current business climate, shareholders stood to “lose their asses” on a stripped-back Master Of Puppets–era hook dominated by cleanly picked minor dyads…”
You can read the rest of the piece at this location. If you missed it, the same site recently reported on the the discovery of the slowest doom riff possible.
