Free Knowledge

Bunk
(11:30 AM PST 09/22/2007)
So lets face it, the latest and I believe second or third attempt at getting a new layout together officially died over the summer. The layout was done, there was a temp site, shit was moving forward, but for whatever reasons the backend just never came to be and with a layout that's already a year or more old now, it's time to start from scratch again, sigh. Things have been a bit slack lately around here as life is in flux, been househunting making them big decisions. Shit should fall back to normal slackassness when it all gets settled. Plans to use the winter downtime to once again start another new site design are in the works. Until then, enjoy 1999.

Eggnoggin
(5:20 PM MST 12/19/2006)
It's been awhile, a long long while. So basically the site did start to get underway and things stalled again, but early 2007 is looking like the for sure time. Holiday season is here and thus some slacking is in order.

I'm a thinker, I think
(4:41 PM PST 08/22/2006)
So, yeah, hope you all like the new site.... Things fell behind completely out of my hands, design has been done since feb, but good god the company has dropped the ball, a new one may be in order. Meanwhile I've been pondering, Bob Seger or Bob Saget? Do unsalted saltines still count as saltines? Is every porn site really the #1 porn site they claim to be? The same goes for realtors. Do maggots get drunk when they bury alcoholics? Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? If I were to dance with him I would woo him with a sultry tango. Well, that or a slutty lambada. You can never make too good of a first impression.

Say Say Say
(3:37 PM PST 05/27/2006)
So, hopefully, god-willing a new site launch in June. Things on deck, individual news pieces you can link to and cherish forever, rss, searchable database of news, some other changes are in the works too for other sections, plus some new sections are on deck as well. Other shit in the works as well, but we'll just let them be for now. I think it's coming up on seven years I've been doing this site in June. I say I, because for around the last year I've been running it solo. Terrible. Coincidentally I think I've also had the same layout for seven years. Here's to more shitty metal and 3's!

Blag
(1:37 AM MST 02/28/2006)
Well, well, so there really is a new layout in the works. No really, there is. I've seen it, it's getting pretty close to being finalized. It's gonna be a bit yet, database coding and such, but it's coming, I know, I was there. Aside from that, work continues behind the facade of this innocent looking book store.

You Don't Write, You Don't Call
(2:47 AM PST 10/26/2005)
So what, tens months, still no new layout. Yeah.. shit happens. Lot of shit fell through, it's the internet. I remember a time when pop cans weren't all fitted with that wide hole, you know, back when you could open it without getting it spraying out the side. Cunts. For the past ten months one thing has haunted me, is Zack still a lego maniac? Or did he just get over it and move on? Either way, he's still a fruit.

Jug Jug Jug
(2:54 AM MST 03/30/2005)
Who the fuck thought up milk in a plastic jug? It's quite possibly right up there beside resealable bag cheese in the history of bad ideas. There's nothing worse than seeing a bunch of crusty milk flakes fall off the mouth of the jug into your cereal in the morning, and trust me, I know bad mornings. I had to open a dog-piss soaked Genesis on Christmas day.

30 Lives
(1:02 AM MST 03/29/2005)
If you're reading this right now you should know that the Konami code is also in fact loaded into your web browser. Boy don't you look foolish. I have a PSP. I put goatse on my PSP. I like happy things. You're not happy. I hate you.

$
(12:58 PM MST 02/28/2005)
If I was filthy rich I would wipe my ass with nothing but dryer sheets. Try and keep a smile on your face through that, snuggles.

Fat Kid Farted
(2:00 AM MST 02/10/2005)
It's a big world out there and sometimes we forget and overlook things. Personally I wonder what the implications of these glaring oversights will reap for us in the future. Take for instance the fact that The Monster Squad was never released on DVD. An entire generation of youth are now growing up not knowing if the wolfman really has nards or not. One can only sit back and shudder at what this means for us all when the youth of today become the adults of tomorrow.

Why Waste Time On The Microphone
(1:11 AM MST 01/07/2005)
Ever wonder why Beetle Bailey didn't just have Sarge court-martialed? Me neither.

Dude Where's My BOTM?
(8:01 PM MST 01/05/2005)
A new year, and new shit in the works. First of all, why are Band Of The Month and Featured Release gone? Well, to be quite honest the bulk of last year was a real struggle to find artists worth being featured on a monthly basis. Yes metal is once again on the upswing, but that doesn't mean it isn't in the same bloated derivative state that nu-metal was before it. At times I had to feature artists I wasn't 100% fully behind, and rather than torture myself and you the reader with such things, I've decided to kill them off for now. I mean who has that BOTM shit anymore anyway? The 1999 webzine style died long ago. Perhaps bands that deserve it will get featured up there from time to time, perhaps not. 2K5, barring a tsunami in the arctic Canadian tundra will be the year theprp finally gets a new design/layout as well. It's been necessary for ages, I know. Will it be database driven or shtml? Will it have RSS feeds? Will I ever stop writing those lame-ass gay titles? We'll have to wait and see. No jive in 2005.

NEBULONZUZI
(12:57 AM PST 05/08/2004)
If I ever had a ghost problem and the fake Ghostbusters showed up instead of Egon and the boys, I would be totally bummed. I bet they would totally half-ass their job. It'd be like the Go-Bots trying to take on Megatron and the boys (not including that limp-wristed Starscream of course). It just ain't cricket. Fucking Ghosts.

MOLTEN
(12:48 AM PST 10/16/2003)
You know they say all men are created equal, but fuck that, ain't no tard better than me.

beef
(3:47 AM MST 03/27/2003)
Where's the beef? TRY A FUCKING SUPERMARKET, RESTAURANT OR A FARM FOR STARTERS. SHITHEADS. Multiple flushes in the toilet are the most practical solution, one to avoid splashback, and two to make sure you don't clog. But do you have the balls to unleash 3 flushes in someone else's house? I've always thought of the consequences of excusing ones self in a best behavior situation and going forward with the three flush motion. Would you be ostracized? HELLO NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

Golden Ruelz
(10:32 PM MST 03/09/2003)
In life three things are certain, Death, Taxes and Classmates.com ads.

Where muh nigguz dawg
(8:37 AM MST 12/01/2002)
Oh how I've ignored you all. Suckers. So anyway, I was thinking if Link knew back in the mid-80's that his then stylish haircut would influence a nation of misguided emo girls to follow suit, he would have rocked a bowlcut or something far more manly. OH LINK WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! Not even the Triforce could get his ass out of this mess. If I ever get rich I'm going to make a toilet with an ice cube dispenser. Perhaps multiple tanks with different colors of water too, we spend so much of our lives in the bathroom we might as well make it fun and I tell you, there's nothing quite as fun as pissing on ice cubes.

UnDEr D C
(3:22 AM PST 07/15/2002)
I really don't think life would be better down where its wetter. That fish was full of shit.

TEEHEE
(11:54 PM PST 06/04/2002)
Ever wondered what your shit would look like if you ate nothing but corn? Would it be like some weird corn on the shit cob? Me personally I don't wonder about such things, but I hear the renaissance men do. Bless their free mason loving hearts.

Grubby
(7:15 PM PST 05/13/2002)
Boy, Gimmick sure is gonna be pissed when he finds out Tommy Lee stole his airship!

The Evil Joke
(12:27 AM MST 03/19/2002)
Laziness can make you fall victim to the evil joke. Say you go and eat a bunch of crazy food, think nothing of it and later you wind up at the toilet sticking your fingers into what might as well be a tin of chocolate cake icing. The end result is a mass of toilet paper which subsequently clogs the toilet. A normal person would probably unclog it, but a cunt would just walk away. For all intensive purposes let's assume you're a cunt and you leave it for some poor hapless fool to deal with and get a chuckle out of it for them having to mess with your business. Hours pass, you realize you have to take a piss pretty bad and you run in, bam, struck with the evil joke. Dealing with a plunger and gurgling water does not help a bladder that wants to lighten its load in any fashion, in fact it only encourages it and you can't just piss in the toilet, because the piss is likely to splash up all over you during the plunging. WWJD?

Diddles
(4:35 PM MST 03/02/2002)
Someone, somewhere out there is opening their email, reading "Are you tired of getting up early, only to know your making a fraction of what your employer does??" and emphatically saying "yeah!" out loud to each subsequent question listed. What a fag.

Ughnar
(2:06 PM MST 01/14/2002)
Milton Bradley is perhaps the world's most craftiest and mentally disturbed animal abuser. It baffles me to this day to think of how he has managed to escape the S.P.C.A. for so long. JUST HOW MANY MORE MALNOURISHED HUNGRY HIPPOS DOES HE NEED TO PUT INTO THIS WORLD UNTIL HES SATISIFIED?!?! fuck you and your pizza party.

Tragedies Of X-Mas
(4:57 PM MST 12/21/2001)
Who would have known that the internet economy crash would bring about the death of convenient web browsing. I've seen more pop-ups in the past month than they have at the children's library. So lately I've been kicking my coke addiction, by switching to Kool-Aid, ZING! Although I don't know how widespread of an occurrence this can be, sometimes my dog likes to piss on the x-mas presents. Now this would probably bother me, but none of the presents are mine this year so I just kind of act like I never saw it, I imagine they'll just think the wrapping paper is a bit crunchy this time around. Still, I'll tell you though, back in the early 90's I woke up one x-mas morning to a piss soaked wrapping paper coated Sega Genesis box and it has influenced every x-mas since. Fucking savage, utterly savage. If for anything, that horrible morning showed to me the fine line between man and beast.

Tragedies
(10:52 PM MST 11/18/2001)
For the past few years I've watched various outspoken people try to get governments and citizens to recognize tragedies that happened in the past that were covered up or for whatever reason went by unsaid. With myself now gaining some notoriety I would like to bring to mind a holocaust that was masterminded right under our noses, one so calculated that some of us were probably too blind to see it. What holocaust? Why, the Hypercolor Holocaust of the early 90's! Everyone had to have a Hypercolor shirt back in those fun loving times, they were shirts that changed color according to body heat and were nearly the greatest thing ever. Yet, they threatened to boldly reinvent shirt technology and within weeks of purchase, nearly everyone who had one had found that somehow, their parents had thrown their Hypercolor shirt into the dryer, ruining its color changing goodness forever. Now had only a select few shirts met such a grisly fate, things would surely have been different, but nearly every Hypercolor shirt in existence met the same fate, leading me to believe that there was a secret coalition of parents out there who deviously plotted to wipe out the entire line of Hypercolor merchandise, the final solution put to clothing if you will. Sure we may have moved onto Red Eraser, B.U.M. Equipment and No Fear, but Hypercolor, you will always have a place in our hearts.

*L*
(10:33 PM PST 10/11/2001)
HI HOSMOS! HOW RE U?!?! WEll, not a lot to say today, but I was watching a fine cult classic, which I highly reccomend: Heavy Metal Parking Lot. After viewing it, I seriously began to wonder what became of such hapless metal heads. Fathers? Mothers? Mayors? Politicians? Mcdonalds employees? The world may never know.

GIVE ME BACK MY SADDLE HOSMOS!
(11:09 PM PST 10/03/2001)
This morning, I got woken up by an earthquake. It was 3.2 on the Richter scale and I'm surprised my shitty k-mart special futon held up from its gentle rumblings. Anyway, unhindered I went about my day, I persevered, even through a messy shits that made me feel like I was sticking my finger in a hole filled with Betty Crocker cake icing. Yes sir, the world is definitely changing quite quickly these days, why just the other day I got a DVD in my cereal box. Now I'm not too sure if this was done by the same people behind the September 11th terrorist attacks, but it was of the movie "Air Bud", making it a truly heinous act and as you can imagine I have been traumatized ever since. It's like getting a pog in your Cracker Jacks, who the fuck wants a pog these days?? Being the humanitarian I am though, I fear that there may be more victims in the near future of the same atrocity, these are dire times my friends. Sometimes I really do wonder how much Beggin' Strips taste like actual bacon, yet I never wondered how much Snausages tasted like Sausages, I am a fucking enigma!

DUH
(3:24 AM PST 08/21/2001)
I can totally believe its not butter, I don't know what the fuck you people are all hung up about.

Boong Ga
(1:03 AM PST 08/10/2001)
Life is sweet, much like the sugar that is left in your bowl after eating Cheerios. Black Ju Jubes, What the fuck? Who the fuck are you people? DIE ALREADY. Another reason to fear the Asian culture is Boong Ga Boong Ga, more More Boong Ga Boong Ga!. WHY IS YOU HERE? PERHAPS IS CAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE "THE PACKAGE"?!?!? THEN WELL CLICK HERE. Get cunted.

HI!!!!
(2:37 AM PST 07/29/2001)
G'day kids, its been awhile, so lets get reacquainted. First off, lets discuss "Twin Packs" of cereal. Somehow, by magically gluing together two huge boxes of cereal, the price comes down and it becomes a bargain. Did anyone not notice when buying this shit that its about as maneuverable as a fucking rocket launcher and you have to actually straddle it under your arm to even pour out the fucking cereal? WANKERS BY KELLOGS. Second, low rent condiments. Seriously, if you're going to buy some ketchup or some peanut butter or something, buy a fucking name brand. Chances are that you're going to be eating some blue brand bulk shite food anyway, so you might as well at the very least have a decent tasting condiment to smother it in. Trust me, using uncle Joe's bargain brand ol' fashioned catsup on uncle Joe's bargain brand ol' fashioned freezer burnt french fries is a no win situation. Third, there is one moment all males in this world dread. It is a moment that has been considered taboo for ages and just its mere mention amongst even the closest of friends can drive a rift within a relationship. This moment, is the exact second when a male has a wet dream and awakes in a cloud of both sleep and euphoria. It is that exact second when the male realizes that he has most likely just spunked in his undies, yet he clings to the faint hope that perhaps he didn't really ejaculate and that his undies just may have came through such an event unscathed. Alas, the bliss turns to panic and a check is soon initiated, usually followed by a cleaning session done in an utterly zombie like state. Some may argue to just let it sit, but there are two things that are unsettling about resting in ones own spoo. One being that you might as well just pour a tube of crazy glue in your pubes, because your unit will be thoroughly fastened to your undies if you let it dry, I mean fuck, its basically basically like sticking your tongue to a metal pole in winter. Plus... its your own spoo.

DO U EAT PP?
(12:16 AM PST 07/12/2001)
Sometimes I go to let my dog out and the screen door is closed and he nails his head on the screen. I can't help but laugh at him. Back in the day, in my formative years, I had a Colecovision, with around 12 games. Cabbage Patch Kids, Dukes Of Hazard, Smurfpaint and on and on. This was a bit past the Coleco's time though, so it was kind of like retro gaming, only in the timeframe to be welfare gaming, because everyone played Nintendo. Anyway, one day I woke up to find my prized Coleco soaking in dog piss, and try as I might, the damn thing never did work again. In the heat of revenge, I took my dog outside, grabbed his favorite toy and pissed on it right in front of him. I figured, hell if he gets to piss on my stuff, maybe this will teach him. Moral of the story, an eye for an eye doesn't work because dogs are colorblind, that or else they just like to piss.

Get In A Gang
(3:56 PM PST 06/30/2001)
Nothing worse than holding a monster piss while trying to unclog a toilet. Sitting there hearing the gurgling water, trying to get it free so you can let loose your liquid assets. Usually I would just piss in the sink, but it was just washed recently and I would have felt guilty to commit such a heinous act. I leave you with this parting thought, if the Get Along Gang had a big fight, would they still be the Get Along Gang?

Eat It
(5:16 PM PST 06/28/2001)
The world is a cruel place full of pink unicorns and broken Transformers. Sometimes when I was a kid, I would play with friends G.I. Joes, and some of them would take them apart and make these lame hybrid figures. I still firmly believe they were Marys. To this day that it is not cool to have Spirit's head on Storm Shadows body. What would Quick Kick say!?!?! RAPTACULAR!!!!!

Get Random
(3:25 AM PST 06/15/2001)
Well, well well, its been awhile, so here I am with more useless knowledge. The other day at 3:30am I found myself rather tired, in fact I could barely keep my damn eyes open. So I head to the bathroom and begin to brush my teeth in a haze. Next thing I know a fucking 4.0 earthquake hits and I'm almost on my ass. The said quake knocked out power to my entire city and here I am sitting in a bathroom, pitch black, middle of night, toothpaste now all over my face thinking how in the fuck am I going to finish brushing my teeth. Nature is truly a cruel mistress. Funny thing is, I just thought about how much it would suck for the poor bastards who were jerking off when it hit, especially the teenagers whose parents woke up and come rushing in asking if they felt a quake or something, haha in fact, the thought of it all still amuses me. Another thing that has been troubling me these days. The other day I slept all morning and well into the afternoon only to awaken to 2 pieces of shit on my floor courtesy of my dog. Now normally I prefer to pretend I never see them, and wait for someone else to, only to act surprised by it when they tell me about it. I mean who the fuck wants to touch shit, well, other than a certain foreign nation that seems to have an affinity for it. Anyway, so I leave it for the day, I figure I might as well get it later on while its hard instead of dealing with mush. Thing is, I went up there at night and there was only one log. Now my mind races at the possibilities, did my dog pick up his own fecal matter with his teeth and drag it outside, like Benji or something? Or did the sick little bastard eat it? Surely if he ate it he would have eaten both pieces, but who's to say. Its a modern mystery, sure to be chronicled in many scientific paranormal books to come. Now piss off.

BUH-D
(11:57 PM PST 06/05/2001)
A word from our readers:
here es drawung for u. u r so funeeeeee i alwyz laff at ur fre knowludge. sometimez i wish i was u.
here es meye pictur of u three as .. ROBUTZ. isnot that straing? i think es berry funee.
wookubot u lik to dance. merry is u! pedro has pupet bekase he lik pupet 2 kissee kise.
brian is misteree man. strainge stuff is he.
this is frum me. bug sekret am I!
sinserually-
u do not no!
it mit b mojoe bekaus he is bhinde al prankz on u!
(Click here for the file that was attached in the email)

BUH
(10:33 PM PST 06/03/2001)
I woke up this morning and like any other normal white man, I turned on the BET channel to take in some African American culture at its finest. But as I checked out the latest, most flyest hip hop jams, I noticed a disturbing trend. The infamous Miss Cleo was appearing on nearly every commercial break! No longer were her ads targeted half and half either, they were pro black with generic black stereotypical situations! You go girl! After further examination, I have determined that Miss Cleo is the borg, just how does she answer all these calls personally, Cleo is onto something and we must take arms before its too late! Also, while urinating the other morning I noticed an ant on my sleeve, I flicked him off and into the toilet bowl and proceeded to hose him down, much like an unruly convict in prison movie. I thought perhaps, I should have leave him there, to either drown in the urine or to escape and spread the message, don't fucking crawl on wook, to his ant brothers. But I soon realized, that had he crawled back to his colony, his ant brethren would have probably just laughed at him cause he was covered in piss, so I saved him the humiliation. *FLUSH*

?
(6:32 PM PST 05/25/2001)
To this day, the question still remains... Would a lunatic really drive a Porsche like this?

Sour Pubes
(1:35 AM PST 05/23/2001)
Today I unknowingly ate a piece of sourdough bread. Now we're not talking normal sourdough bread, nossir, this was bread made with some fat athlete's sweat soaked gonch. In the past this happened to me with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I thought the peanut butter was rotten and threw it out. But now, now I realize that this creation, this vile creation was the source of my woes. Seriously, if this bread was a diplomat, it would be the ambassador of tastes likes hit. So whoever eats ass bread, eat my sour balls. The secret to eternal youth is shaving your pubes, you'll look 12 years old all over again.

My Fridge Is A Time Machine
(6:46 PM PST 05/19/2001)
There should be an unwritten law when it comes to leftover spaghetti. If someone is to have a plate, they must use both the sauce and noodles in proportion to the amount leftover, for if they don't the delicate balance will be thrown into chaos and the whole fucking system will crumble. Case in point, for breakfast I was treated to a bowl of noodles, due to someones malicious greed for meat sauce. It's almost enough to make me want to smear tiger balm on the toiler paper roll and leave it for whoever was responsible for this outrage!
P.S. Eat shit.
P.P.S. Click Here For Gayness.

Tickle My Pickle
(12:19 AM PST 05/15/2001)
I am a fucking onion. Put a cucumber in my armpit and it'd come out a pickle.

Give Me Peanuts
(11:32 PM PST 05/11/2001)
One day I intend to put tampons in my nose and run around pretending to be an elephant. YOU CAN'T TAKE MY IVORY BFFFFFFFFRAAAAAARRPPPPP. 2 LEGIT 2 BE POACHED.

Chinese Dog Cooking
(7:17 PM PST 05/10/2001)
If I ever become rich, I will purchase a toilet that can successfully flush a small dog. Is there no toilet that can handle the girth of my bowels!?! Last year it was all about who let the dogs out, but this year it will be about who let the dogs in. THE FUCKING SPCA! its just like a wise man once said, CHINA IS SATANS CROCKPOT!@!#

The World Needs A Hero.
(9:42 PM PST 05/09/2001)

At one point in my life I thought Ma-Ti from Captain Planet was the biggest fag of all time. Think about it, for rings there was earth, wind, water, fire and then Ma-Ti the 12 year old with a heart. What the fuck is heart? For the uninitiated heart allowed him to talk telepathically with the other Planeteers and get help from animals. WOW! It wasn't until later on however that I thought back and realized that Heart would perhaps be the greatest power of all. If I had heart I would totally be making animals hump everyone I saw. Imagine the hilarity of seeing someone you know having a cat, a squirrel and a dog all humping his leg at the same time. I mean really, what's worse? Getting hit by a tidal wave or getting fucked by a 2 ton elephant, hell maybe even dry humped by a pack of wild ferrets. I rest my case.